At the time, I certainly didn't understand the reasons for this sudden disinterest in babies, at least, not at a conscious level. However, I did notice how unusual it was for me to not even want to hold my best friend's newborn daughter. The flow of natural maternal urges had been blocked up, during my most fertile years and I can see clearly now that this was a direct result of my decision to not ever go through childbirth again.
The decision was brought about by fear, resulting from the traumatic experiences I went through while giving birth. I was so afraid of ever having to go through such an experience again, that I would not allow myself the luxury of forgetting the pain. I became attached to my suffering, which became my protective shield. My pain overshadowed all baby desires, until I was no longer even slightly affected by the most adorable of infants or toddlers. This psychological and emotional sterilization occurred first, and I eventually followed through with the physical process of tubal ligation.
Divorced just a year after my youngest was born, I raised my two sons entirely on my own. I avoided relationships with men whom I figured would want children and in doing so, avoided relationships with the kind of men who would make a wonderful father. Needless to say, this was an enormous sacrifice, though I surely didn't understand it at the time.
I was quite surprised when I found myself head over heels in love with the man I now call my husband. We had been friends for a couple of years, and anything more than that had been beyond the realm of even our imaginations. He eventually became my room mate and my best friend and a great friend to both my kids. The realization that we were meant to be together came suddenly to both us in a simultaneous event of consciousness connecting in a very profound way. It was like being struck by lightening, and my "little self" didn't even have a chance to rationalize him out of the picture, despite the fact that he is many years younger than me, and the word DADDY almost blinks across his forehead. To this day we consider our relationship a miracle, facilitated by Divine Intervention.
