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Feeling Lost At The Holidays?

© Mischele Lewis

Last year was the first year of holidays that we spent without Devon, the baby I miscarried in February, 2000. When the holiday's came around it was hard for us, but instead of being sad about what we didn't have, we celebrated the brief time she was around. Those holidays were riddled with mixed blessings, though since I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter, Victoria. Here are some hints and ideas we had to get us through the holidays...

Long before the holidays we had sent a request to the Church of Holy Innocents (the link is on my main page) for a beautiful certificate stating that Devon's name had been inscribed in the Book of Life. We framed it and hung it on the wall. Not long after that we had the meaning of her name printed on angel paper and framed that as well. For Father's Day, I bought my husband a Precious Moments angel that has August's birthstone on the sleeve, mostly because Devon and my husband would have shared the same birthday. He cherishes it to this day.

Then came the slew of holidays starting with Halloween, where we thought our little baby would have been 2 months old. Thanksgiving where she'd be 3 months old. Finally Christmas where she'd be 3 months old and full of joy. It just didn't work out like that. We were sad, but happy because we had a new life coming, so we felt guilty to mourn one baby while rejoicing in a new one. We'll never forget the two and a half months I was pregnant with our official first child. The first thing I did was buy a Christmas ornament. Its a porcelain angel with the August birthstone as a heart. At the bottom of the skirt, we had Devon's name written on it. We'll put it up every year. We bought other angel items and they're all children or babies and they all symbolize our little angel in heaven. Of course this year we'll get Victoria one of her own, yet, we'll explain to her and other future children the meaning of Devon's ornament when they ask or when they're old enough to understand.

My husband and I had to stick together. Family didn't want to talk about it, especially the older members. They'd say it was for the best and to think of the new baby. The younger members just said nothing at all. I don't mind talking about my experience at all. I know that this is my second holiday season without my one baby, but for thousands of women around the world, this is THEIR first and if I can help to ease the loss, then my baby wasn't lost in vain.

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