Home » Health & Wellness » Pregnancy Loss » Getting pregnant after a loss....

Getting pregnant after a loss....

© Mischele Lewis

February 2, 2000 was the worst day of my life. It was the day I lost my baby. For some unknown reason, I was not meant to keep that baby and to this day I don't know why. I didn't want to move on. My husband (fiancee at the time) and family were devastated. We heard the usual responses of "You can always have more" or "It wasn't meant to be." But no words could comfort me. I wanted the pain over. I sunk into depression, with anger and confusion. I went to a barrage of doctor's appointments while taking an entire week off from work. I needed to have my hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) levels tested every 3 days to see if I was going to miscarry naturally or if I was going to need a D&C (dilatation and curettage). They recommended that I wait 3 normal menstrual cycles, not including the first cycle after my miscarriage in order to try to conceive again. They were essentially saying wait 4 months which seemed like an eternity to me at the time. If I couldn't be pregnant right now, I just didn't want to do anything. I struggled with the "why me?", "was it something I did?" and the "was God punishing me?" I just wanted my baby back. Two weeks after my loss, I had an absolutely vivid dream that the baby was a girl and have though it to be so ever since. We ended up naming the baby Devon - meaning Defender.

As the time went on, the pain lessened, albeit slowly. I joined a couple of online bulletin boards dealing in pregnancy loss and miscarriage, but that didn't stop me from counting how many weeks it had been since I lost Devon or how many weeks along in my pregnancy I would have been had I not miscarried. I was in the tail end of planning my wedding and tried to immerse myself into it. A month went by. Two months went by. Then it was May and time for me to get married. Even then, I still felt as if Devon was with me, watching over me. I built a website to forever memorialize Devon. I put my story there, some healing poems and a page full of links that have helped me through the healing process. I felt that if my experience perhaps lessened the pain of just one person, I didn't lose my daughter in vain.

The copyright of the article Getting pregnant after a loss.... in Pregnancy Loss is owned by . Permission to republish Getting pregnant after a loss.... in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.