My Secret Obsession

Have you been accused of being obsessed with trying to conceive? I was and I found solace with many other women on the same journey. I honestly don't think there is any other primal urge in a woman's life than that of conceiving a baby. It's as if when we see that positive pregnancy test that we can truly say we've fulfilled the calling of womanhood. Until that time when we can bask in the glory of those double lines it is a roller coaster of an obsession that controls our very waking moment.

Looking back on the journeys I took in preconception (yes, I have been there a total of four times now) I realize one important thing. I should have bought stock in the home pregnancy test companies. I honestly think I have used every single brand sold in the retail market both in pharmacies and discount stores and online. I would purchase the tests with a secret excitement each time, hoping and praying that IT would be the one that would crown me "mother-to-be". I know I spent a small fortune on those things. My husband would just take a deep breath and go look at video games as I browsed the pregnancy test section. "It wasn't the pregnancy tests that embarrassed me", he'd say, "But the condoms and assortment of yeast infection creams that were sold along side the boxes of tests."

I had to laugh at that. It got to where I would purposely find another checkout line each month, as I would approach the checkout counter armed with an assortment of pregnancy tests. It was funny to behold, but I was very serious about the entire matter. I researched and knew what tests would show a positive, if there were a positive, on what day. Not all tests are created equally I learned and realized that just because it costs more doesn't mean it's more sensitive or better than those that cost a fraction.

I spent countless hours going over the test instructions and plotting just what day I'd test. I'd set a goal and would start to test on day 10 post ovulation IF my temperatures went up or IF I'd have some sort of "pregnancy" symptom. I'd usually go through about four tests a month. Sadly, most of them were negative. And oh, let's not talk about the devastation I'd feel as I'd look at that one-lined test result.

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