17 Surefire Ways To Get Your Script Rejected
© Linda Eisenstein
1) Write a play with nothing but unpleasant characters. This is an age of anti-heroes, after all. Make sure there is no one onstage that an audience could possibly like or want to spend time with. If they wanted to be comfortable or happy, they should have stayed home.
2) Choose a topic that you think is marketable but you don't really care much about. After all, a playwright should be able to crank out something mildly entertaining without a strong point of view. Something like an episode of your favorite sitcom should go over well, don't you think?
3) Write a play that requires a realistic set change every three or four minutes. Or that has at least two or three insurmountable props, like a driveable car that goes on and off stage. Or lots of cool special effects. If Miss Saigon can have a helicopter that hovers and lands onstage, why can't you?
4) Don't include a cast list at the front with the names and number of characters; after all, you wouldn't want the theatre to be intimidated by the cast size right away. Let them discover the vast army of characters by reading the play. Make sure there are plenty of characters that have only one or two lines. After all, actors need work.
5) Don't number the pages, either. Let the theatre guess how long it'll take by hefting it. Anyway, 160 pages isn't all that long, is it? Especially when the play is in 5 acts and 23 scenes.
6) Leave the pages loose, or stuck together with a paper clip that easily falls off. (This is especially effective when you're been diligent about rule 5 above.)
7) While you're at it, invent your own play format; the one from Samuel French or Dramatists Sourcebook is sure to be too confining. Be creative with your spelling and grammar, too. All of this will show an irrepressible original mind at work.
8) Open your play with several pages of stage directions, in long impenetrable blocks. Describe the sets and furnishings with such numbing detail that the set designer will know exactly where to buy the priceless antiques you need for scrupulous authenticity.
9) Make sure that the first 10 or 15 pages is nothing but exposition or trivia by minor characters. Most audiences don't settle in or stop rustling their programs until 15 minutes into the play. Don't give them anything meaty until their bottoms have conformed to their chairs.
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