New Year's Resolutions

2002 is finally here, and so is a new PGA Tour season. In the spirit of a new year (okay, to be honest, the Mercedes Championships preview could have waited another week), this hack came up with a list (again!) of imaginary New Year’s Resolutions of some PGA Tour pros and other figures in golf.

• Tiger Woods, PGA Tour: “I will continue to get closer to Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 career majors. To do so, I must stay healthier than I did 2001. No more tripping on a rock after signing autographs; no more hurting my back getting massaged on a trainer’s table; and no more nagging Achilles injuries. Oh yeah, almost forgot. I will not—repeat, I will not—dye my hair blond again.”

• Phil Mickelson, PGA Tour: “I would love to win a major, although this sounds more like a hope than a resolution. I don’t know if that will finally happen, but I’ll give it my best shot. I’ve heard a few people say that I should lose a few pounds if I were to catch up with Tiger and Duval and other lean guys. I hate to admit it but, yes, I do need to be in better shape to stay focused in late stretches.”

• Vijay Singh, PGA Tour: “Like everyone out here on the Tour, I would like to win as often as I can. It’s been a while since I hosted an oversized winner’s check. Sure, the money was good in 2001, what with almost four million (all figures U.S.) bucks, but nothing beats winning. I think I am due for a victory.”

• Lanny Wadkins, CBS Sports: “I will replace Ken Venturi in the CBS booth during the Masters, and I am really looking forward to the season’s first major. I may not have the experience and first-hand knowledge of Mr. Venturi, but I promise I will make more sense in my commentary.”

• Peter Kessler, formerly of The Golf Channel: “The Golf Channel has let me go (more on Kessler saga in a later article) and I will be exploring new opportunities in the business. Many in the market know that I was The Golf Channel, and wherever I may end up, the TGC will regret the decision to release me. In the meantime, I will be working to lower my seven-handicap.”

• Johnny Miller, NBC Sports: “I have been criticized for, um, criticizing Tour players too often. But I hope the players and fans alike understand that my job is to analyze what’s going on among golfers during tournaments. Negative remarks are merely a part of what I do. I will just keep doing what I have been doing in my broadcasting career—and doing it better.”
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