While we approve of candies, cards and flowers (especially the edible ones like candied roses and sugared violets), we think all this bow and arrow nonsense is stupid. Why would you want to attack your loved ones? Why not just throw candy hearts at them or play tug-of-war with a chocolate bar? And what's with all this heart stuff anyway? Giving someone your heart is awfully messy and just a bit disgusting. It's much better to give someone a nice grooming or a bit of a cuddle, isn't it?
And why call it Valentine's Day? Saint Valentine, as we understand it, didn't have a very nice time on his day. Are we supposed to behead our loved ones or something? We can understand beheading someone if they're a baby and not going to make it anyway, but having a holiday about it afterwards is just plain sick. And what did Mr. Valentine have to do with love? Is that why he got beheaded? Karen says that according to legend that's why he got beheaded - seems silly to us.... Maybe we should call it what they used to before Valentine came along, Lupercalia. But again, it's such a violent festival for those poor goats. We think it's time for another name change -- it should be Rat Day instead. After all, if you're looking for fertility, you can't get much better than a rat!
Speaking of fertility, you humans have such a narrow view of love and this thing you call marriage. Us rats know the true meaning of love and how to raise a family. Love means no strings attached, no rings, no vows, just lots of happy ratties. And everyone helps raise the babies. (Another weird thing about humans - what you call love quite often means engaging in behavior which can lead to having kids. Why fight it? What's the point with all the avoiding having kids like they carry plague or something? Face it, if you don't want kids, you don't want what you call love.) We rats love babies. Aunties, uncles, cousins, friends, everyone pitches in to help out! We rats can raise more little ones in two months than any of you humans can in a lifetime. Which is why we should be in charge. And that's why Valentine's Day is now Rat Day. So go out and get yourself some rat cards and rat candies and get busy celebrating. And while you're at it, buy every rat you know an extra large box of Godivas and a nice cake with buttercream frosting and candied violets and huge rat cards to shred up and...
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