Acceptance

Some people accept things just as they are. That’s good, too!

What? How can refusing to accept things and accepting things both be good?

It depends on your views of what is good or not good for you to accept. In other words, it is important for you to examine what is going on in your life and determine for yourself what is or is not acceptable to you. It is not only within your power to do so; it is part of your responsibility to yourself to do so.

For example, suppose you are in a romantic relationship with a particular person. You buy this person gifts, cook gourmet meals for him or her, and surprise the person with romantic gestures. The person offers nothing in his or her own behavior to show appreciation for your consideration and generosity. Instead of trying to surprise you with a gesture or gift in return, he or she smiles and thanks you and takes and takes and takes all you offer. Why shouldn’t he or she? You’re offering it.

You might think that expecting something from this person in return is selfish of you or indicates that you do not love this person unconditionally, so you continue the relationship in the hope that the more you give, the more the other person will see and appreciate your love. And as time goes by, the person keeps taking and taking and taking while you keep giving and giving and giving. Your needs go unmet. You tell yourself you don’t mind because you are sacrificing in the name of love.

This example might oversimplify the dynamics of a relationship, but in general, a person like this, who takes without giving, is a difficult person to stay in a relationship with simply because relating involves giving and taking. How much more will you give until you refuse to accept the relationship as it is? How long will it be before you grow enough to realize that a loving relationship involves two people who are both mature enough to respect each other’s as well as their own needs?

Refusing to accept things in your life can bring on many perplexing yet necessary decisions. But without facing those challenges, you will be left feeling defeated by circumstances (but actually being defeated by your own choices) instead of being uplifted by your choices.

Going back to the example, refusing to accept the relationship as it is prompts you to examine yourself, the other person, and how you relate. If you are ready to grow, you will find solutions that are right for you. It might involve ending the relationship, redefining it, or reshaping it. How much effort will you or your partner be willing to put into improving the relationship? If your partner refuses to change his or her behavior, that’s something you need to accept because you cannot change another person’s behavior. That doesn’t mean you must accept the relationship as it is. You can change your own behavior. You can continue to see the person without giving so much. You can stop seeing the person. The decisions regarding what you will or will not accept are yours to make.

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