Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Man?

Professor Henry Higgins once asked, "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" OK, men, I'm going to answer this one just for you.

It all begins with menostart. That's a word I made up. It's when menses begin. Get it? Meno-start? If any of you have (or had) a daughter who is between 10 and 14 years of age, you'll know what I mean. At the onset of menses, women vaguely understand that we are already eons more mature than our male counterparts, even though they may be eons taller. Daughters this age can be temperamental, moody - wait, does this sound familiar?

This, obviously, is one of the reasons, dear Henry, that a woman can't be more like a man. (The other is menopause, but we'll get to that later.) Because of the nature of our bodies, women experience life differently than men. Other than being bookended by two 2-3 year periods of general instability, women, in general, possess the following assets:

We can read minds. And we expect you to do the same.

We possess the ability to find anything, anywhere in the house. Admit it. You ask us where your keys, papers and shoes are, and dammit all, we always know.

We can multi-task. Or, as Leiber and Stoller once wrote, we can "wash out 44 pairs of socks and have them hanging on the line, starch and iron 2 dozen shirts before you can count from 1 to 9, scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippings pan, throw it in the skillet, go out, do my shopping and be back before it melts in the pan."

With the exception of Mary Kay LaTourneau, we understand how idiotic it looks to be in a relationship with someone 20 years younger.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.

We understand intuitively that, once sweated in, we cannot wear a shirt more than once. Additionally, we understand that when a shirt sits in the laundry basket for a few days, it does not magically lose its odor.

We are gatherers of information, relishing in the stories women pass along to women. (No, dear Henry, this is not gossip. It is simply our way of ensuring the maintenance of tribal tales.)

Then, we hit menopause.

Our moods become unpredictably high or low. Our weight becomes unpredictably high. Our feet swell in movie theaters. We sweat uncontrollably. We forget why we've entered a room. Some of us even lose our ability to multi-task. We pretend that we can listen to you, cook dinner, let in the dog and reset the VCR clock all at the same time. We drop things or run into the edges of furniture. We pretend that we don't crave an empty nest and a refrigerator full of chocolate.

Go To Page: 1 2