Negative Sports Parents Part 3

So how do you deal with a negative sports parent -- the type who has nothing good to say about any kid, including his/her own, who pushes too hard, or who jumps on the refs or coaches?

Some sports take care of this automatically. Soccer, for example, will penalize parents who cross over a line. Most, however, do not.

My father, who coached different sports for many years, invited some of the worst-offending parents to be an assistant coach. Most declined, to which my dad's response was always, "I've given you the opportunity to prove that you can do a better job than me. You turned it down. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me do my job." The majority of time, the negative parent quieted down.

As a parent myself, I find that I get most angry with a coach when I don't know the reasoning behind his rules or think his tactics are unfair. The best coaches my son has had made the time to fill in parents on the strengths and weaknesses of each player. Not surprisingly, these coaches have well-behaved parents as well as well-discplined players.

The coaches who played favorites often had the most negative parents. The worst year my son had in basketball was the season his coach made it clear that he would only play boys who were on the same level as his son. In the stands, parents rode on their children, pushing them harder so they could reach this coach's standards. Parents jeered at their children, booed the kids' teammates who did well. The following year, the same parental reaction followed this coach.

So yes, I believe coaches can control negative behavior by not shutting out parents. But no, coaches are the only problem. Parents themselves hate to see their child not be the star. This is evidenced on parenting lists where parents talk angrily about kids who are picked last for gym class teams or spend time on the bench. And many parents demand that their child not just succeed but be The Best.

A coach can diffuse the situation by praising the player's strength to the parent as well as the player. Other parents can also point out a young player's skill. If a parent insists on pushing his/her child, there really is little an outsider can do to stop it; however, no fan has to tolerate a parent whose shouting becomes abusive to any player. Other parents should speak up, and referrees should act to remove that parent if necessary.

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