Praise vs. Correction

Did the D hurt my self-esteem? No, because it was earned. I had done my usual work and it wasn’t up to her challenging standards. When I reached her standards-and I was entirely capable of doing so-I got the grade I had earned. It wasn’t a gift. Gifts don’t create good self-esteem. Gifts don’t promote learning and good behavior. The only way to have good self-esteem is to be the best you are capable of being.

Parents need to balance their treatment of their children. While a class of six-year-olds can be taught to behave by praising the ones who are good and ignoring the ones who are misbehaving, teenagers cannot. Teens are in training for the real world. If you praise poor behavior, you will get poor behavior. If praise comes only for a job well-done, you will get jobs that are well-done. However, you cannot simply ignore behavior you don’t like. Teens are fully capable of manipulation. If you aren’t going to correct bad behavior, they will either assume you approve of or accept it, or they will decide they can get away with murder-and so they will.

People like rules and guidelines. Spencer W. Kimball often told the story of the cows in his pasture, who loved to stand at the edge of the field and look longingly out. One day the fence came down, but the cows still went to the exact spot where the fence had once stood and stayed there. They needed the security the limits had given them.

People want limits and rules. They make us feel safe and show us what is expected. We know that if we follow certain rules, we will be doing what is expected. We know how to avoid punishment, how to earn praise. Having to make every choice alone is hard and frightening.

Don't be afraid to set limits and to reward or punish as needed.

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