Teens and Grief

Many people face the loss of a family member or friend for the first time in their teens. This can be a traumatic time as teens face their own mortality and begin to challenge their feelings about the meaning of death. It can be a time of reorganizing life, of challenging religious convictions….of growing up.

It is important for teens to face the reality of the death. One way is to talk about the person who has died. Bring out photographs, memorabilia, and other items that might spark memories of the person. Encourage your teen to talk about their memories. Don’t be afraid of tears. If you want to cry, do so. This will give your child permission to cry as well. Tears are good for mental health.

Encourage your teen to attend the funeral. This can be a terrifying experience for new grievers, since it makes the death so final. However, funeral procedures developed because people need to accept the finality of earthly life. If your teen can attend with friends, he may find strength. I have often noticed at funerals that teens prefer to be together, drawing strength from their own fears. As one friend put it while watching a group of Scouts at their leader’s funeral, “they are taking care of each other in a way we can’t.” Let them stay with their friends if the situation seems supportive and caring. Otherwise, stay nearby, ready to offer a steadying hand if needed.

Your teen will need a combination of time alone to grieve privately and time with you for lessons in grieving. Help him find ways to grieve effectively, because it can be very dangerous to hide the grief forever. Encourage your teen to write in a journal, to draw photos, write memories…whatever helps him to focus on the deceased and on their own feelings.

People who are grieving typically go through a number of stages. The first is denial. It is natural to deny that anything has happened. The grieving person may seem uncaring during this stage. It is perhaps a protection, allowing you to do what needs to be done in the immediate aftermath. The grieving person often feels numb and unemotional.

After a time, the denial often gives way to anger at the person who caused the grief. It may seem unreasonable to blame the person who died for an unexpected death, but it is a normal reaction. Allow your teen to talk about these feelings. You can accept his feelings of anger and help him to find ways to express it. However, if this stage continues for too long, you may need to guide him to the next step, which is sadness.

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