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Teen Socialization

© Terrie Lynn Bittner

When I was a teenager, I was very shy. Groups overwhelmed me and I didn’t seem to have the instincts for social chatter. To me, conversation meant serious discussion, and I preferred it one on one. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I decided to tackle the problem analytically. I stood back and just watched my peers at work, trying to figure out what they did, so that I could do it too. Admittedly, once I figured it all out, I decided it was generally not worth the effort, but at least I could do it if I really had to.

Holding frivolous conversation, caring about typical teen topics and feeling comfortable in social situations does not come easily to all teens. Teens who are shy, highly gifted, learning disabled, or simply loners by nature often have difficulty in groups. If a teen is interested in improving his social skills it is possible. Remember, however, that not every teen longs to be the star of the show. Many are more comfortable with one or two close friends, or even a good book. Despite the current emphasis on socialization, this is only a cultural preference, and not necessarily a true sign of good mental health. Many careers do not require good social skills or even interaction, particularly with the advent of computers. As long as a teen can put on reasonable skills when necessary, he should be fine.

A teen that has difficulty making friends should look at the reasons for this difficulty. Does he treat people well? Is he interested in them? Is he simply shy or perhaps bored by teen culture? Many teens that have trouble finding friends in high school are fine as adults, where their more intellectual interests are appreciated.

If a teen does not treat others well, you will have to help him learn how to improve, since this is an important skill. You may need to play role-playing games in which he practices handling certain types of situations. More extreme cases may require the help of a professional.

Often, it is simply difficult for teens to understand the rhythm of conversation. When I was standing back and watching my peers, I realized for the first time that teen conversations followed a dull but predictable pattern. There were certain things you said when you first saw someone. They responded in a particular way and you were supposed to follow up with another predictable response. By now, the rhythm has probably changed, but I’m sure there is one. Have your teen listen to other teens and find out how they begin and carry on conversation. Challenge him to find a pattern. Point out that most people love to talk about themselves. If a teen is not especially interested in chatter, suggest he ask a lot of questions. His peers will spend lots of time talking about themselves, and all he has to do is to listen and make appropriate noises periodically. Help him learn to listen actively and to ask questions to better understand.