Starting Over - Page 3© Terrie Lynn Bittner
Page 3
Jun 4, 2000
As important as your outside actions are, your inside thoughts are even more important. The problem arose because your thoughts became unbalanced. You focused so much on the negative that you stopped seeing what was good. You will have to train your thoughts to see what is truly good about your child.
You will have to learn the difference between what in your child's life is yours to control, and what is his own. If it is not illegal or dangerous, it is probably not yours to change. If your child is eighteen or older, it is probably not yours to change. You are different from your parents. You have chosen to change some aspects of your life from theirs. You have chosen some different beliefs. That is a natural part of becoming an adult, of letting go of your family enough to form your own. Give your child this same right. Accept that he is not going to be a clone of you. If he were, you would probably have to worry that he wasn't preparing to grow up and move away. Part of the natural conflicts between parents and children, I believe, is the letting go process. We naturally want to hold on too tightly, not wanting them to find friends mattering more than we do, not wanting them away from home too much, not letting them become too independent. They naturally have to let go and distance themselves. If they don't, moving out will be too painful. This separating time is important. Accept it. If your family is truly your priority, and not just something you say to impress others, you won't give up a child without a fight. Nothing-nothing-is more important than a loving family. If you are religious, pray for the strength to do the hard work ahead. If you are not, find that strength within yourself. Never give up. NEVER give up.
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Thank you Stephanie. Not having been through this myself, it was a difficult one to answer. You are exactly right in your approach.
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-- posted by Terrie_Bittner
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Trish,My daughter will be 14 and I've been divorced from her father for 7 years. I've always had the problems you describe, even at a much younger age than 14. I have been in a long term relatio
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The following is only a suggestion: As far as your son is concerned, he needs to remember who the adult is. Tell him that you are an adult and unmarried. Therefore, you are free to date as you choose.
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-- posted by Terrie_Bittner
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I'm a single parent of four years. My ex-husband visits my 14 yr old son and 9 yr old daughter regularly. My ex and I get along fine as long as I'm not dating anyone. When I begin to date, even a o
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