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Starting Over - Page 2

© Terrie Lynn Bittner

Starting over means apologizing to your child. Depending on the situation, there are two ways to approach this. If you really don't believe you did anything wrong, but you simply want to fix a broken relationship, you can do this without admitting guilt. Approach your teen privately-and this may be hard if he is afraid of being with you because your talks always escalate into fights. Be prepared for defensiveness and fear. Expect that you will have to prove your good intentions. Start by telling your child you are sorry your relationship has become so bad. You aren't placing blame on either yourself or your child. Blaming just starts another fight. At this point, it no longer matters who is at fault. You are starting over with a clean slate. Tell your child you love him and he matters to you. Your relationship matters. You don't care anymore who is to blame for how things are going; you are only sorry they are not going well. Tell him you would like a truce, a chance to start fresh. Agree that old problems will be let go: you will not bring up the faults or fights of the past, and you would like him to do the same. Everyone starts over. Then discuss with him what can be done to improve the relationship.

This is not easy, and it's a big risk. If you are a true parent, you will take the risk. If you do feel you are to blame, completely or in part, it is a good idea to tell your child this. You are sending a valuable message to your children about life. No one is perfect. When you are not perfect, it is acceptable to apologize and change. Someday, your child might be secure enough to apologize to you as well.

Words won't convince your child you really mean what you said. You are going to have to prove it. You will show him by not bringing up dead issues. (Obviously, if there are unsolved problems of drugs, alcohol, gangs and so on, you have to deal with them, but keep them in the present. Deal only with what is happening now.) You will arrange to spend quality time with him. Play a game, go for ice-cream, sit and talk. Keep your words positive and caring. At first, you may feel like you are acting a part, but that's okay. If you act like a kind and loving parent, you will eventually become one.

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