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Starting Over

© Terrie Lynn Bittner

There sometimes comes a sad day in your parenting career when you realize you've made some serious mistakes as a parent. Children don't come with instructions and sometimes the ones we learned from our own parents failed. Sometimes we just made some wrong choices. The breakdown in the relationship seems so severe, you wonder if it can be fixed.

Parents often find it too hard to admit their own part in this problem. It is easier to blame the child. "He's out of control." "It's because of the friends he chose." "The world is at fault." Occasionally, a child does turn away from the family values through no fault of the parents. Often, however, parenting contributed to the problem. Whatever the reason, it's time to start over.

Starting over is hard and it's frightening. Many of us were taught that the parents are always right, that admitting to our children we made mistakes is a sign of weakness that will undermine our parenting. This is not true. One of the days from my childhood that most stands out in my mind was the first time my father, who believed parents were always right, apologized to me. I respected him more than I ever had before. He's as stubborn as I am, and I knew it hadn't been easy for him.

Often parents get so caught up in the child's mistakes they completely forget that this child also does good things. Look now for those good things. Has he made sacrifices for the family good? Supported you in a bad time? Done well in school? Achieved in extracurricular activities? Chipped in when extra help was needed? Every child has done something worth praising. Figure out what that is so you can regain a perspective on who your child is. Chances are that if things have become very bad between you, you've stopped looking and perhaps don't even know what is good about your child. When communication breaks down, you not only stop hearing about the bad, you stop hearing about the good. If you don't know what's good about your child, ask someone who does.

Once perspective is regained, you must assess your part in the breakdown of the relationship. Parents are responsible for setting the tone of the home and family. No matter what a child's attitude-or perceived attitude-has done to the family, it is you, as the head of the home, who has the ultimate responsibility for the home environment. If the relationship is bad, you are the person responsible for making it better. You have all the power, and that might keep a child who wants a better home life from seeking one.