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Family Rules That Teach Self-mastery

© Terrie Lynn Bittner

When my children were small, I realized that I was not very good at rules. Although I had set goals for my parenting and knew exactly what I wanted them to accomplish, the rules weren't working. My children followed them fairly well, but they were being directed every step of the way. They were not learning how to make decisions for themselves. Someday, I realized, I would not be available every minute to interpret every situation that came along. They would have to know how to confront a new situation and to decide what behavior was appropriate.

With this in mind, I threw out my unwritten rule book, which must have contained thousands of rules - too many for me to keep track of, much less my kids. In their place, I created a few simple guidelines for deciding whether or not to engage in any particular behavior. These rules were that all family members must:

-be moral
-be safe
-be kind, helpful, and considerate
-be progressing toward perfection
-be obedient to parents if living with them

These rules, except the last, applied to all family members including adults. They covered everything I really wanted my children to do. It took time for the children to understand how to use this system. The first step was to define, in a family meeting, just what was involved in keeping each rule.

The first rule is to be moral. This, for us, primarily involves living our religion. If the church has a rule, it must be kept. These rules were quite clear, and the children had been learning them since they were very small. For a family who does not attend a church, this might involve a little more work in deciding what constitutes morality.

The second rule is to be safe. This took care of all those rules for little ones about not touching the stove. For teens, it can involve not walking after dark alone, not dating someone you don't know well, and not breaking driving laws.

The third, being kind, considerate, and helpful, keeps our home life pleasant. It involves such things as offering to make dinner when Mom is studying for midterms, feeding the cat when it's not your turn but she hasn't been fed, and not tormenting siblings. It also covers doing chores. A person who does not do his share of the work is not being considerate of others.

The fourth is a littler trickier. What does it mean to be progressing toward perfection? Certainly, I don't expect my children to become perfect, but I do expect them to be making progress toward that goal. It is intended to help regulate the use of time. Someone who watches televison all day is not progressing toward perfection, because he isn't spending time on worthwhile projects. We can, of course, waste some time, but not unreasonable chunks of it. This rule forces teens to evaluate how they spend their time. Is their life being wasted on activities that only bring temporary, but pointless, pleasure, or are they doing something that will have eternal significance? With this goal, teens are encouraged to spend time developing talents, giving service, studying, and contributing to the family.

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