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Listen to Learn

© Terrie Lynn Bittner

Large portions of my day must seem wasted to observers. I spend many hours curled up on the couch, appearing to do nothing but gab with my children. Yes, there are undone dishes in the kitchen, homeschooling lesson plans to write and homework for my college class to be completed. I don't have time to sit around gossiping with my kids. On the other hand, I don't have time not to.

The conversations seem unimportant. One of the children in the preschool where my daughter works has an overprotective mother. A friend has a new boyfriend and they are too serious too soon. A teacher at the public school says kids today have too much freedom. Nothing earthshattering at first glance and yet all these conversations are too important to miss. I am listening to learn. I am learning about my children's feelings about parenting, dating and society. I am learning how they feel about life and what they still need to be taught. And of course, I am building relationships.

When my children talk, I pay close attention. I try not to be distracted by whatever work I was doing when they wandered into the room. If I appear to be busy, they won't talk. In fact, they probably won't stay, for fear of being put to work. I put my work aside, curl up on the sofa, and just listen as they talk to me or to each other. What am I trying to learn?

Take the overprotective mother. Through babysitting and nursery school, my teenager has been exposed to many different parenting styles. She is old enough to begin thinking about how she will parent her own child someday, and she is testing ideas. I have always made a point of showing my children how I parent. I tell them why I make the decisions I do and what I hope to accomplish by making them. We discuss the parenting of others we know and of parents on television. I want them to know that parenting is a real job, requiring long range planning. It's not just baby-tending. So, when my daughter evaluates the parenting of the children in her class, she is telling me whether or not she has learned the lessons I tried to teach. She's telling me if she agrees with my parenting philosophies. She's even telling me what kind of parent she might be someday.

The conversations my children and their friends have about the boy-girl relationships are particularly important, and I listen extra hard for clues about their standards and values. It certainly interests me when they worry that a new couple is spending too much time alone, or getting serious at too young an age. It's reassuring, actually. I like hearing them tell me that a girl they know lets her boyfriend run her life and that they wish the girl would stand up for herself. I like it when my teens and their friends talk about how much more fun it is to go out in a big group rather than single-dating, and safer too. When they take note of how hard a friend's life has been since she had a baby, and say they plan to finish college and marry before starting their own family, I breathe a sigh of relief. The years of parenting are paying off. They are getting the messages I've been sending out.

The copyright of the article Listen to Learn in Parenting Teenagers is owned by Terrie Lynn Bittner. Permission to republish Listen to Learn in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.