The Oldest and the Youngest: Building Sibling Relationships

When siblings are far apart in age, it can be difficult for the teenager to find common ground with their younger siblings. They may see the younger child as a pest, or just as a person connected only remotely to their own lives. It is the responsibility of the parent to show the oldest child how to create the relationship.

The first step is to help the older child understand that a relationship is even needed. Don't assume children know they are supposed to love each other. In your private conversations with your teen, begin telling them about the lives of their younger brothers and sisters. Let them in on the challenges the child is facing-without betraying any confidences, of course. Ask their advice. "Do you think Jimmy is going to have a hard time in school this year because of his lack of athletic ability?" They will be flattered to be the experts on modern childhood, and you will get them thinking about their siblings as real people with real feelings and problems. This is very important.

Once you have their attention focused on these siblings-and this will take weeks or longer-begin seeking their help with the younger child. This does not mean sentencing them to long hours of babysitting at the expense of their own social life. We love those we serve, but only if we serve within reason. It can help if the way they are asked to serve flatters their ego and corresponds to their own interests. For example, a fashion-conscious girl can be asked to take her little sister clothes shopping, since the younger girl so much admires the older girl's style. Give them both money for clothes and lunch and drop them off at the mall alone. If you have any rules for what can and cannot be bought, spell them out in advance. Being forced to return the clothing can sour the experience. An athletic girl can be asked to spend a few hours a week helping a younger sibling with her batting practice. Even homework help can create a bond, especially if it turns out that the sibling can help when the parents could not.

You may need to spend some time teaching your teen how to help. A bossy coach will hinder, not help, the relationship. A teacher who belittles will destroy self-esteem. Be sure your child has the temperament for this kind of work. A teen who is tutoring can meet with the school teacher to plan the work and get teaching advice. A coaching teen can ask the child's coach for assistance in planning drills and choosing skills to work on.

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