Facing the Fear

It's safe to say that parents of a child with special needs think about certain things on a daily basis. When they're at school, we wonder what they're doing and if someone is watching out for them. When they're at home, our minds churn with medication times, little activities to encourage speech, etc. You know, basic mom worries about the price of tea in China kind of stuff.

I often find myself dwelling on things that I won't have to face with my daughter for another ten years and that's not fair to her now. I'm trying hard not to obsess about things I cannot change, such as her annoying habit of grinding her teeth, or patting people on the behind when she wants their attention. I have to establish some priorities before I become a raving lunatic.

It's one thing to recognize your own faults and it's another entirely to try to change them. I figure it's the effort that counts and as long as my girls see that, I'm at least half way to the finish line. But, no matter what anyone says, I still cannot put away the nagging fears that just won't rest.

There are certain things that parents of kids with special needs simply cannot help but worry about and the biggest one is health. Having watched my daughter go through several medical procedures, including open heart surgery, it's safe to say that I simply cannot whip out a giant eraser and eliminate those kinds of fears from my mind or my heart. I've seen too much and now I fear the future.

Every day, in some way or another, I'm reminded of all her little body has been through in six short years of life. Every day I wonder what the future will hold for her if her heart isn't fully repaired someday. I'm sure I spend far too much time dwelling on something that may or may not happen in the next one to six years, but it's a mom thing and how in the world do I fight that?

I know I'm not alone because friends of mine who have kids with special needs, often tell me how much their heart aches when they think about all the medical stuff in their kids they wish they could change. See, that's the real rub of it. So many parents only have to worry about bulllies and grades and what music their kids listen to. To be perfectly honest, I rarely worry about my oldest daughter's health and if both my daughters were healthy, I probably never would. It's just something that doesn't really tax your mind, unless you have no other choice.

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