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Taking Care of Yourself

© Karen Hamilton

I did it! I don't really know why but for some reason I got up from the comfort of the couch, put on my sneakers and went for a bike ride! I fought with myself the whole time I was sliding my feet into those shoes - "Why are you bothering?" "You won't do it" "If you do it you'll find out how out of shape you are." "If you do it you'll get out of breath and be stuck out there."

On and on - I just let my little critic say whatever it wanted and kept edging closer to the bike. "I'll just ride around the circle drive.", I told myself. I gave myself permission to fail at riding, at exercising, but I would not let myself NOT try.

Once I swung my leg over the bar and eased into the seat I knew I would go farther than the driveway. Exhalation! I would go all the way around the block! Yes, I could do it. I eased out onto the road and found it easy going.

I made it to the next house and started feeling the burn in my thighs. My spirits plummeted. Thighs burning already?? I am really out of shape. But I continued on and turned down the dirt road heading east.

About two minutes into that I had to dismount and walk. Breathing heavily I stood in the middle of the road and looked forlornly at the stop sign way down the road. I looked back and the path I had already traveled was an equal distance away. A man watering his lawn gazed under his brow at me, questioning. Shit.

Little fingers of panic began to play around the edges of my mind. Finally, I turned and began walking back the way I had come. I was saddened to realize that I was so out of shape, saddened to have to fight back the panic, saddened to have failed so miserably. Oh well, I would ride home and try again another day.

I remounted the bike and began to slowly pump the pedals. Hey! It was easier! I thought, "What a dope". I had been riding against the wind before! That was why it had been so hard! I turned onto the paved road and could see my house. I was almost to safety.

But as I approached the drive I realized that I wouldn't turn in - I could do this, I could keep going! And I did - almost a mile, pumping the pedals, watching the white line in front of me on the pavement - if I looked up I could see how long the road was - I could see how far I had to go - no, I watched the road below me instead, passing beneath my

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