New-Car-itis: The Disease
In 153 days, I will be a free man for the first time in my life. On that day I will be free of a disease that has plagued me for years- no, it's not spring allergies. It's NewCaritis. On September 19th, my 95 Monte Carlo (with 1,243,658 miles) will be paid off and I will be set free once and for all from the results with my bout with NewCaritis. I know this disease can pop it's ugly head back at any time, I am going to take a bold stand and I have decided that I will never, ever, ever buy a new car- at least not for a few months (that PT Cruiser sure looks nice). Wasting money on a new car is one of the symptoms that you have NewCaritis. No person in their right mind would finance a car for 12 years (like I usually do). A person could have bought 2 more Monte Carlos and a Daewoo Lanos, by the time they have that loan paid off. And besides, most cars today cost about the same as a small house in Beverly Hills. Outrageous. There is only one explanation for this kind of action- NewCaritis.
NewCaritis is a true medical condition. This disease blocks your common sense glands and substitutes it with ego goop. This ego goop enters the right side of your brain, where rational decisions are made, and causes thoughts of uneasiness and shame every time you turn the starter on your present older car. (Even though it usually strikes a person with a car that is two years or older, it has been known to control people who have owned their car for less than 6 weeks!) When NewCaritis is full blown, it even blocks your mistrust of car salesmen, causing you to believe every word they tell you. Scientists are working on a cure, but presently, the best solution, is to stay away from any place called "The auto mall". It is believed that an antidote for this disease might be found in the saliva of the wives of diseased men. My wife is doing research for this hypothesis and it seems to be true.
I first contracted this disease in 1991. We bought our new car with affordable payments. I had no idea that NewCaritis was already at work in my system. In just a few years, when our car was almost paid off with over 100,000 miles on it, that the first signs of a full-blown case of NewCaritis struck. I decided to stop at a few dealerships and price a couple of cars. I met the typical salesman in the plaid suite. He asked me what I was driving. I pointed to my car with pride and he began to laugh. He told me everything that was wrong with the car I owed and showed me why I needed a new car. I believed him. I was in denial of my disease. In a short time, I was once again in debt. It was only going to cost me an extra $50 a month. The disease was spreading.
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