It's Not About Less Tolerance...

One of the few positive adages about growing older that has survived in mainstream America is that wisdom increases as our birthdays begin to add up. This is one aging message that I find that holds true for the majority. There are those, of course, who never quite adhered to the idea of learning from experience, but the consistency with which "live and learn" has been applied makes those few anomalies.

So, it is in my midlife wisdom that I can say with confidence that I cannot abide by martyrs or those who consciously or unconsciously place themselves in the role of the victim. I am not speaking of those people who have been truly victimized, but by those who blame their troubles on everyone and everything else. I feel free to say this because I once played both roles, martyr and victim as well as they can be done.

You know the martyr type. They are the ones who will agree to do something, and then bemoan what wonderful things in life they are going to miss because they agreed to do this thing. Martyrs are the people who volunteer for everything under the sun, then tell others how the place/group/organization couldn't manage without them. Martyrs don't bake a dozen cookies for the bake sale; they bake 10 dozen cookies, and amid the oohs and aahs of the appreciative bake sale folks, these martyred bakers complain about how much time it took or how much it cost them in electricity, ingredients, etc. Martyrs set my teeth on edge.

Martyrs are also the family members and friends who seem to have a great sense of responsibility. Responsibility is admirable; whining about what you've taken on is not. Martyrs gain self-esteem not only from doing or being, but from telling everyone who will listen what a sacrifice it was to do those things. Appreciation for the task itself is not enough for these kinds of people; they have to drain every last drop of human kindness from others, dropping in a little, or a lot, of guilt along the way.

Victims are a little different than martyrs, although one person can have both qualities about them. Victims don't try to place guilt on those they aid, however. There may be guilt assigned to society as a whole, or a segment of society, in the stories they tell with a "whoa is me" at the end. Victims are those people who accept little or no responsibility for their life circumstances. When life hands them a lemon, you can count on them to suck it and show their sour face to the world.

Go To Page: 1 2

Articles in this Topic    Discussions in this Topic