When Life Makes You Face Your Fears

copyright 2000

I've been working with my OCD, using cognitive-behavior therapy, for several years now. I still have my obsessions and compulsions occasionally, but they aren't near as severe. The other day I realized just how much I have been avoiding things I fear. My problem is checking - not to protect myself, but to protect others. Like I said, I am much better. But am I better because I am fighting OCD so much or because I am avoiding what I fear? I think it is the latter.

The day started out great. I had a little time before going to a luncheon, so I stopped at an outlet mall. I found shirts for my son and pants for my husband. What size does he wear? I called my husband at work, but he wasn't in. Later I called him before lunch was served. Wrong size. I could take them back after the luncheon and even have time to shop some more.

After lunch, while I was placing some things in the trunk of my car, a woman stopped and asked how to get onto the freeway. I gave her directions, turned, and closed my trunks. At that instant I knew what I had done. My keys were locked in my trunk! The trunk release doesn't work when the car is turned off. Makes sense - when you most need it the trunk release doesn't work. If the car was on, I would have a key and wouldn't need to open the trunk with a button, I'd use the key! I called AAA. I still had time to get to the mall, exchange the pants and shop.

I went in to call and there was my disabled friend, still waiting for the paratransit bus to pick her up. I had to wait with the car, but I told myself I'd check on her after AAA came. Waiting in my car, I prayed her bus would come before AAA. Then I argued that even if it did come, I didn't have to wait with her. What if it didn't come? The restaurant employees would help her. No, I can't leave her alone. AAA came and unlocked my trunk.

My friend was still waiting. I can wait with her and go to the mall after the bus came. An hour later, it still hadn't come. I called them. They got the times mixed up. It should be there anytime. We waited some more. Finally I realized I now had only enough time to exchange the pants. No more shopping today. I went to the mall, hurried to exchange the pants, then went back to the restaurant. My friend was still waiting, sitting in a hard chair and leaning on her walker. I called again. They had been there and she wasn't there. They waited in the front of the building in front of a long line of stairs instead of on the side where there was a ramp and they had always picked her up before. I complained, then complained to the supervisor. It might be another two hours before another bus was available, would I like to reschedule? No, I'll take her home.

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