"Papa is Very Sick"

One of the hardest things in life to accept - is a serious or possible terminal illness of your spouse or a loved one. First you have to come to grips with your own feelings about your beloved's condition, rearrange your life and schedule to care for them. Then it is time - to share with family and close friends the sad news - no one really wants to hear. Not that they don't want to hear about it, just that their initial reaction is usually uncomfortably strange for both them and you. The hardest and emotionally draining is telling a child, in a way they can understand, without scaring or devastating them. Yes, your child or grandchild will have a reaction, a most innocent, spontaneous, and honest one. How you react to their response to the news, will impact their acceptance of it.

I know about this situation first hand. My partner of 4 years was diagnosed with esophageal cancer stage 3 in July 2001. The month of August was spent going to many diagnostic testing and doctor appointments, including counseling. At first, Rick and I were in shock and denial. Then reality hit - Rick was unable to eat much and final testing helped an oncology team offer a treatment plan. We went for a second opinion at Roswell Park Cancer Institute, a top cancer research hospital that happens to be 30 minutes away. Roswell Park and Dr Nava agreed with the treatment plan and helped us understand the treatments and the reasons for them. In Rick's particular case the mortality rate is 4%, with extensive Chemo and radiation treatments, and surgical removal of the shrunken tumor, Rick would have his best chance of survival.

August was a busy month, and very tiring. We had decided to marry at the end of September in Vermont, but the treatments needed to start ASAP, we changed our wedding plans to September 5, in Niagara Falls. We starting contacting our friends and family to tell them of Rick's condition and also invite them to share in the joy of our wedding. The most difficult loved ones to tell were Rick's Mom and Sarah, my granddaughter (Papa's Angel). We told Rick's Mom face to face, we all cried, hugged and then started to make our wedding plans.

Sarah usually spends part of the weekend at our house, but due to Papa's illness we weren't able to have Sarah visit as much as usual. When I was finally ready to tell Sarah about Rick, we picked her up and kept her for the whole weekend. Although Sarah is only 5, she is very sensitive to the feelings of the people she loves and who love her. Sarah asked, "Why is Papa so tired all the time?" "My Papa looks so sad." Well, it was time to tell our little angel. I started by saying "Papa is very sick, but we have the help of a special doctor to help him get well." Sarah looked puzzled for a moment and then said, "Papa has a bad stomach ache, that won't go away?" "My doctor gives me medicine to help me feel better, Papa's doctor can give Papa some real special medicine to make his tummy better." I hugged her and told her it might take along time for the medicine to help. Maybe the special medicine would have to be given to Papa in the hospital where he could rest a lot more. Sarah accepted this and went off to play.

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