Visiting Graves

Just recently I was going through some old family documents and came across the memoirs my grandmother had written about her life before she died. Re-reading some of the passages, I came to the part where she talks about her mother's death and how painful the experience was for her. One thing in particular that I found interesting was that she included the advice given her by an acquaintance on how to make the mourning process a little easier. She wrote:

So after Mamma was dead, I went a long time feeling sorry for myself. And I remember one time I was at the market in Tønsberg to buy vegetables, there was a lady who had a stand there and asked what was wrong with me, that I looked so thin and pale lately and I told her I had lost my Mamma. I can remember the lady said that I should dig around a little in the earth on her grave when I'm there and that it would help me a lot.

As a matter of fact, she wasn't able to visit her mother's grave as much as she would have liked, since my great-grandmother was buried in another town. But my great-uncle Åge lived nearby and he rode his bicycle over to the cemetery once a week until he died to tend to her grave. He spent hours there, plucking weeds and watering flowers. And he had many graves to attend to - those of his parents, his wife, and as time went on, his brothers and sisters.

Though Åge died years ago, he put money down for perpetual upkeep. The last time we visited our family graves, they were still neatly tended, with perky snapdragons clambering over the stones. The markers were polished and clearly readable. They looked cared-for, and strangely familiar, as if they still occupied a central place in the family.

Visiting cemeteries in the US is a fairly lonely experience, but in Norway this isn't the case. Provided the weather is pleasant, there's always someone around with a watering can and a friendly nod. If you hang around long enough, you can pick out the "regulars" as they gather around the water nozzle to exchange greetings. Usually it's the older people who have time for this, but it's not uncommon to see young families paying their respects.

In American movies, there's something very sobering about a cemetery. You're supposed to wear black, bring a handkerchief, and come looking for closure. If you visit regularly, it means you have a hard time letting go of the past and a vital turning point in the plot is marked by that last visit, after the murderer has been convicted or a new love interest is espoused. The only other people who come here are brazen teenage delinquents, looking for graveyard trophies and a place to guzzle beer at night.

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