Devils and Dementia

Tempestuous. That's how the psychiatrist described me on his way to a diagnosis of dysthymic disorder. Tempestuous, he said I am, and in a depressed mood nearly every day, tearful, without interest or pleasure in life, and feeling hopeless.

That pronouncement was made six hours before the New Jersey Devils eliminated the Philadelphia Flyers in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference finals. He should have seen me then.

Anyway, I have two choices now. I can either take the prescribed Venlafaxine Hydrochloride, a bicyclic antidepressant that inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, norepinphrine, and dopamine (whatever that means). Or, I can trade one mental illness for another by becoming a Devils worshipper.

I'll take the pills.

In fact, I'd take the pipe before I'd cheer for Scott Stevens. It was a love-fest in the broadcast booth for this disgraceful old headhunter whose last remaining skill is to wait for a teammate to tie up an opposition player, then make a cross-ice run and drop a shoulder into the target's chin. His hits on Daymond Langkow and Eric Lindros might have been clean, though methinks the Panger doth protest too much. Clearly, his intent was to injure, as it was the two times he low-bridged Keith Primeau; but that's a judgment call, and judgment is a quality the NHL zebras lack shamefully.

And Claude Bleeping Lemeiux. This old fraud ... this old fraud ... this old fraud just kills the Black and Orange. On my lowlight reel of spirit-crushing defeats, his shot from the blueline that beat Ron Hextall in Game Six of the 1995 Conference Finals is tied with Joe Bleeping Carter taking Mitch Bleeping Williams downtown for his walk-off homer in the 1993 World Series, just ahead of Thurl Bleeping Bailey jumping clean over Akeem Bleeping Olajuwon for a buzzer-beating tip-in to win the 1983 NCAA basketball championship.

It makes me tempestuous. Bleeping dysthymic.

The word means "ill-humored," which is ironic because the Prime Directive of Fred Shero, the genius behind the Flyers' bench during their Glory Years, was: "Get to the puck first, and arrive in an ill humor." For nine of the last 10 weeks, the Flyers played hockey like a bunch of win-crazed dysthymics.

They overcame a 15-point deficit to finish first in the East by ending the regular season with a 12-6-2 run. Too bad for them, according to the ESPN/ABC talking heads, who pronounced the Flyers DOA against Buffalo and rattled off one meaningless statistic (Dominik Hasek is 6-4 on the road on Thursday nights against Eastern Conference teams) after another to back up their prediction.

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