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Oh, Danny Boy,

© Brian Igel

The writing was on the wall. It took a couple of near-perfect games and several strikeouts on the national stage for the Press to start digging for dirt on 14 I-mean-12-year-old Danny Almonte.

What they found was that Danny was 2 years too old to be playing in the Little League World Series Tournament and that he didn't even qualify as a pitcher for the Bronx team that eventually won 3rd place because he hadn't been in the country for the requisite 3 months to be eligible. By the way, his travel visa has expired as well and he shouldn't even be in the U.S right now.

Long before Sports Illustrated and Staten Island's elite corps of private detectives starting turning up forged birth certificates and carbon-dated samples of Danny's stubble, the Suite101.com team, under my supervision, was on the case. Here is the circumstantial evidence we uncovered which, alas, has become all too stantial.

EVIDENCE COLLECTED BY SUITE.101 INVESTIGATORS 1. After digging through Almonte's jacket pocket, we came across a ticket stub to "Terms of Endearment" -- an R-rated film released in 1985. 2. Almonte sighted purchasing a carton of American Spirit 100s and a 40-ounce bottle of Olde English at a local deli. 3. Close-ups of Almonte pitching against Delaware in the quarterfinal round reveal what appears to be a Kansas City Monarchs 1949 Negro League Championship ring. 4. Almonte teammate Julian Vives, 10, stated that sometimes, when playing the outfield, Almonte would seem to forget where he was and would admonish the other outfielders to "get off my damn lawn!" 5. Bronx librarian stated that as recently as August 31, Almonte had still not paid his overdue fines for "Why Me?" by Sammy Davis Jr. 6. After the semi-final win over Apopca, Florida, in which Almonte pitched a no-hitter and struck out 16, his team headed to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate. Almonte begged off, claiming he did not feel well. Agents trailed Almonte and found that instead of going home, he went to the heart of the Everglades, where he defeated Christopher Lambert in a vicious claymore battle, beheading him and shouting "There can be only one!" 7. Discovered a photograph of Almonte on the Grassy Nole. 8. An eight-year-old assistant obtained Almonte's autograph, which was then compared to one of the signatures on the Declaration of Independence... A match! 9. Local video store clerk stated that Almonte had purchased the entire first and second seasons of "Murder She Wrote" on previously viewed videocassette.

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