The Validation Game

I once worked for a rather abusive woman who constantly berated, belittled and badgered her employees, me included. She'd toss out barbs and insults like slings and arrows, the wind vein of blame pointing only in one direction, and it wasn't hers. If any of us sought to set the record straight, or stand up for ourselves, we were chastised and told in no uncertain terms that we were insecure whiners who should appreciate we had a job in the first place.

Now, you may ask why we'd stay in a job like that in the first place. I didn't for long. The other gals stayed on a little longer. We all figured out that sometimes victims get confused. Sometimes victims actually start to believe their abuser, and we were victims of a very real type of emotional abuse.

Before I left the situation for good, I did let the old boss have it once. I got my purse and walked out. She stopped me, and we had a long talk about her behavior. She told me she knew she could be abrupt, even rude, and that it all stemmed from her childhood, that growing up she never felt validated by her parents. As a result, she'd become defensive, demanding, and even demeaning to anyone she came in close contact with.

I accepted her apology, and to this day, I feel sympathy for her explanation. Why do we seek to be validated from other people? As if our very worth comes from the approval of someone no doubt just as scared and screwed up as we are? And no matter how good anyone looks on the outside, no matter how calm, cool and collected, they ARE just as scared, and often even more screwed up than it shows on the outside.

How can we ever expect to be fixed by broken people who lack the skills and self-knowledge to fix their own lives? Yet we often put the opinions and feelings of others ahead of our own, and when they don't agree with us, or give us the hand-clapping and applause we so desperately need, we go screaming and running from the stage, certain they are right and that we are useless. No other person can make you whole, in fact, they can often make you crazy.

Remember, hurt people hurt people.

To look to another human being for the love, trust, security and worth we so desperately seek is to be ultimately disappointed. Our families and friends can indeed bring joy and love into our lives, expanding our ability to be human and our capacity to give and receive. But they can't save us. Not in the way we want to be saved.

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