101 Ways to Beat a Dream Team

The summer games are almost upon us and that means a few spirited games of basketball in the name of world unity. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think the USA's Dream Team is going to win the gold. Sorry for spoiling it for everybody, but it's true. In fact it's about the surest thing since Bill asked Monica to join him in the Oval Office for a smoke. I kind of feel sorry for the other teams who don't stand a chance and are essentially competing for silver and bronze. As I type this I'm sure that some international team somewhere is practicing their plays and working on their jumpshots. Why I don't know, but you've gotta admire the effort. Although, look out for Canada this time. We've got three NBA'ers now!

So, in honour of these doomed soldiers, I've compiled a few hints that may help them to enjoy their match up with the Dreamers.

* Don't show up. At least that way you're not going to lose by eighty and end up as a hapless victim on the nightly sports news.

* Remember - it's just a game. It doesn't matter that you're on television in front of millions. Really.

* Get the phone numbers to the USA hotel and make some crank calls to the players the night before the game. Messing with their sleep patterns could give you the advantage you need. The old "is your refrigerator running?" gag would be an excellent choice. Or have pizza delivered to their rooms every hour.

* Start scoring on your own basket. Maybe you'll be lucky and the Dreamers will get confused and throw down a few windmall jams on their own hoop. Hey, you never know.

* Tell your starting five to froth at the mouth and act "crazy" and have at least one player wear his shorts as a hat. They might think you're contagious and allow you free trips to the hoop. Breaking into a spontaneous bout of your country's national dance couldn't hurt either.

* Make some banners that say "Fosters Sucks" and "Down With Crocodile Dundee". Then wave them around and hope that the Australian part of the crowd gets pissed off and starts a riot.

* Don't show up. I know I mentioned it already, but I think it's the only way you're not going to get a serious ass kicking.

* Whenever you manage to score a basket, celebrate like it's New Years. You never know when the next one might be.

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