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Fear of Reinforcing Negative Behavior

© Sara McGrath

My two-year-old hits me sometimes. I respond empathetically and compassionately. Does that sound strange? Popular belief in the West is that a child must be firmly disciplined for hitting or exhibiting other undesirable behavior. This practice is based on the assumption that a child hits with the belief that hitting will get him what he wants. But I don't think so. I believe that a child hits as a spontaneous response to strong emotions, without premeditation or specific intent. So, my first priority is to respond to my child's emotions. What is she feeling? What does she need? Instead of scolding or withdrawing from her, I might say:

"I feel sad when you hit me, but I understand that you feel frustrated. What should we do?"

Or more simply:

"What do you need?"

In responding compassionately to my daughter, I meet my own needs by telling her how I feel about her actions. I meet her needs by showing her that I care, and by trying to discover the real reason (unmet need) for her action. Her need may be easy to see such as relief from hunger or boredom, or it may be something more subtle such as the need for more physical interaction resulting from the fact of an illness, change in routine, or the appearance of a new sibling.

My Essential Parenting Rule: Do only what feels right.

Most parents don't feel right about ignoring or withdrawing from their children, even for discipline's sake. This behavior doesn't teach your child not to hit; it teaches him that your love is conditional, that you only love him when his behavior pleases you. This is frustrating and damaging to your child.

When parents respond to their child's hitting with further negative behavior, they often get an escalation of undesirable behavior from their child. This approach just doesn't work. It gives your child the impression that you don't care about his feelings or his needs.

What about when one child hits another? First priority: stop the hitting to protect the children. Separate the children beyond hitting distance. Comfort the offended child. Then address the hitter's emotions and needs. Comforting the hurt child models empathy to both children, and replaces the need to tell the children that hitting is undesirable. As social creatures, they already know. Addressing the angry child shows that you got the message that she needed something, and that you care.

Children's actions are based in feelings just as ours are. They are simply less experienced in dealing with these emotions. Our children deserve the same level of respect that we expect of other adults concerning our own feelings. So lets show them by example how to respect one another.

Angry Face

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