A Letter to My Younger Sisters as New Mothers


© Sara McGrath
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One of the first things I learned about raising a baby was that I didn't need (or want) many of the baby products that are advertised as necessary, not even diapers. Before my daughter was born, I collected just about every imaginable product, all designed for my convenience. You may at first think that there's nothing wrong with using products that help care for a baby, but I quickly discovered that those items actually came between me and my daughter by substituting for my presence, care, and attention. This would have been a great injustice to my daughter, because it would have stunted her development. (For more information on the many ways personal, responsive care is necessary for a baby's optimal development, I recommend "The Attachment Parenting Book," by William and Martha Sears.)

Here's what we do now that my daughter is a toddler. I include her in my daily activities, because children are designed to imitate. This is how they learn to be people. My daughter seems to especially enjoy activities where we are doing useful life work such as cooking, cleaning, and gardening. We spend plenty of time outdoors where she can explore and interact with our natural environment. We go for walks around the neighborhood, on hiking trails, and inside shopping malls. We visit family and friends so my daughter connects with many people who care about her.

One thing I wish I had learned before my daughter was born, but have since taken up practicing is responding to her elimination cues. Instead of relying on diapers, I've learned to tune into her nonverbal communication so I can provide an appropriate place, a potty, for her to pee or poop in when she needs to. This may sound like a far-fetched idea at first, but it's how babies' elimination needs are met in cultures where diapers have never been used.

I've chosen to approach parenting in a way that is different than the way many parents in our society do because I wanted more for her than the social problems that are often taken as normal by Western parents such as toddler tantrums, rebellion, insecurity, and attachment to products.

Our children are social creatures, and as such, they want to please us. They want to fit in. It is only when we attempt to control them that they rebel. We teach them how to fit in by showing, not by forcing or manipulating them. Too often in our society, children are expected to behave as miniature adults, with a restraint and self-control that they may not be developmentally capable of.

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Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: View all related messages

1.   Apr 1, 2004 9:32 AM
This is a great letter, and it shares elementary (yet often overlooked) truths, i.e. to follow your instinct above logic, yours or anyone else’s, or to respond to your child’s needs as they ...

-- posted by Zanzi





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