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A Letter to My Younger Sisters as New Mothers

© Sara McGrath

Since you've both become mothers, I haven't shared many of the things I've learned about parenting (and living) that have influenced and inspired me. I know I've dropped bits of information and tips here and there, but I've been cautious because I believe that mothers' choices are sacred even when those choices wouldn't work for me and my child. In this letter I offer the information I wish someone had shared with me.

First, I offer several bits of wisdom that I keep in mind when choosing how to be with my daughter.

• Follow your instinct above logic, yours or anyone else's.
• Respond to your child's needs as they arise in the present moment.
• Avoid doing things to your child that are controlling or coercive.
• Respect your child as an individual, and treat him as you would a friend.

When my daughter was born, I realized that she was the most important thing in the world to me, so I wanted to make the best choices possible for her. I had some ideas about what kind of mother I wanted to be, affectionate and positive, and a good role model and teacher. It wasn't long after her birth that I was faced with situations in which my feelings and thoughts were at odds. I resolved to never act against my instincts just because I understood the logic of certain practices (anything that would fall into the "baby training" category.)

During my pregnancy, I realized that I was not comfortable with many of the mainstream parenting practices in our culture, so I began to study the ways people rear their children in other cultures around the world. From my studies, I collected practices and approaches that felt right to me. I decided that a tribal culture is the most appropriate way of life for us, so I now do my best to provide this experience to my daughter given the limitations of living in an adult-oriented, convenience-oriented society.

Here's what we did when my daughter was a small baby, before she could crawl. To most easily and effectively meet her needs, I wore her in a sling or backpack during the day, and slept next to her at night. She breastfed and napped whenever she needed without ever leaving the sling. I went wherever I wanted, and did whatever I wanted. I think this constant closeness in the early months was a necessary transition for my daughter from the womb into the world.