Smart Love, Not Tough Love

When I became a mother, it seemed as though everyone offered me advice on how best to parent my daughter. Many of the suggestions I received didn't feel right in my heart, but they raised fear in my mind, because I wanted to make the best decisions for my child.

In addition to the advice I received, I read recommendations in parenting books and magazine articles. As Dr. William and Martha Sears say in The Attachment Parenting Book, many of these well-meaning professionals and experienced parents "seem to be more interested in showing you how to get baby to fit conveniently into your life than they are in showing you how to raise a happy, healthy, well-balanced human being." This goes for advice directed at parents of older children as well.

I read magazine articles with titles such as "How to Make Baby a Good Sleeper," "Strategies for Taming Mischief," and "Discipline Words That Work." I believed that "Mother Knows Best," but I worried about the warnings that following my instincts (including always responding to my daughter's cries, putting her to sleep in my bed, and nursing her at night) would lead to an overly dependent, spoiled child with tooth decay. I was especially confused by the conflicting information about discipline practices.

One author said that discipline, defined as "setting and enforcing reasonable limits," is "crucial from the time your baby begins to crawl." This author went on to recommend discipline practices I considered to be too harsh, such as threats followed by isolation and other punishments. Another author warned against "getting mired in the discipline trap," and offered to "help parents find a happy medium between 'anything goes' permissiveness' and too-tough discipline."

Because I had received so much conflicting information, my confidence as a new mother was shaky. I wanted to be able to follow my instincts with the support of experienced persons. I found this support in two books: The Attachment Parenting Book, by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.; and Smart Love: The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent and Your Child a Better Person, by Martha Pieper, Ph.D., and William Pieper, M.D. Both husband-wife, co-author teams are child care professionals and experienced parents. The Attachment Parenting Book is aimed at parents of babies. Smart Love is aimed at parents of children of all ages.

In The Attachment Parenting Book, Dr. William and Martha Sears warn against following the parent-centered advice of "baby trainers," whose "approach to parenting is similar to the way you might train a pet." The Sears say that their approach, "attachment parenting," "is what most parents would do anyway if they had the confidence and support they needed to follow their own intuitions." Their approach, "in a nutshell," "is learning to read the cues of your baby and responding appropriately to those cues."

Go To Page: 1 2

Articles in this Topic    Discussions in this Topic