Dealing With Depression
This is not to say that everyone in my life is just there to take advantage, but it does mean that I have, more often than not during these times, given up my personal power, often to unscrupulous vultures who seek out people like myself to get their needs met. Unless I decide to take that power back; by reaffirming my value as a person, by taking personal responsibility for where I am, through recognizing that I made the choices that got me to that point, and realizing that I don't need to settle for "vultures" as friends, that I am worth more than that; then I will forever be at the mercy of those who would rather abuse me than actually care about me. Ahh, but to do this I have to care about me.
That's the difficult thing for me. I have spent my entire life, settling for mearly the crumbs of caring from others, and have developed a system of getting those crumbs, "by hook or by crook" so to speak. It's a life-long pattern of thinking and behaviors, for me, that is difficult to break. The idea that no one could care about me unless I appear sufficiantly "needy" has got to be discarded. Ahh, but that is easier said than done. The only answer that I have found, in all the years I have been struggling for recovery, is to find someone who is more desperate than I am, who is suffering more deeply than I, and attempt to help them to find self worth, self determination, and the strength to take back their own personal power. As I share my experience, strength and hope with them, honestly, without pretense, I also assist myself. As I assist others in finding self empowerment, I empower myself.
I must say, there are times when I just don't feel like I am worth it, that nothing I do is going to make any difference, for anyone, especially me. In these times I can only go within and find that connection to "a power greater than myself". Sometimes it is hard to find that connection. Sometimes I close myself off from that Source of light and love, so completely, that I convince myself that it's all a sham and that nothing really means anything. But, the truth is, that life and all it's experiences are what I make it, what I decide
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