We all have our periods of upset and confusion. Truthfully, I am going through that myself. From my own point of view, not necessarily the right one or even a good one, I go through this because becoming stable, becoming more independant is a scary thing. Often, I have come to rely on others, simply because I don't trust myself, or because I need to feel that others care about me. Sometimes my loneliness becomes so intense that I develop difficulties just to get someone to pay attention, so intense is my need for the focus and care of others.
In fact, lately, it has been so difficult for me that I have considered just giving up on life. For those of us who have managed to survive through horrendous abuses, through a life of feeling that we are somehow evil, bad or just plain worthless, there are going to be times when life just doesn't seem worth it, or that we are never going to be able to find peace, so why try. It's hard to overwrite an entire life of pain, self-loathing, fear and confusion.
When I am in that place, I have a difficult time accepting that anyone could love me, let alone like me. Sometimes, I will go to "any lengths" to obtain the care and assistance of others, because I so desperately need to be proven wrong. Unfortunately, when I am in this space, I tend to draw individuals who are less than ethical and who wind up using me for their own ends. I tend to draw those who, in fact, could care less about "me", as a worthwhile person, and are just there to get what they can from me before everything unravels.
