Undefined Fear: A Challenge To Recovery
© Kerry Dennis
The challenge that I have run into most in this last month, in regards to my recovery, is this constant sense of "undefined fear". Of course, we all know what this fear is all about. It is can be identified as "Siege Mentality" that is generally the result of acts of terrorism. As a survivor of domestic acts of terrorism, which is exactly what abuse is all about, I am familiar with the feeling. I know that I no longer live in that environment, that I have grown up and that I am now in charge of my own destiny. I also have come to believe that I have become fairly adept at avoiding situations which could lead to abuse. Nevertheless, I feel exceedingly "vulnerable". Why? Because this time war came to our shores. Because the greater environment, the Country in which I live has become subject to acts of terrorism.
As the result of these things I am emotionally transported back to those dark days of my childhood, when I was abused by the adults around me and was helpless to do anything about it. I am experiencing sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, depression and mental sluggishness. I know none of this is about me, and yet, I am involved. I can become injured or worse, as the result of acts that are committed by people who know nothing about me. Hence, this constant sense of undefined fear.
Okay, so now I have defined the reason for my discomfort. I can't stop those people I don't know from doing things that could hurt me, so how do I deal with this fear? First of all, I can recognize that most people, even those who did not suffer an abusive childhood, are feeling this same sense of fear. Therefore, I can say to myself with confidence, that these feelings I am struggling with, although they may trigger spontaneous recollections of past pain and confusion, are NOT part of my disease, are NOT a resurgence of my disorder. The feelings that I am feeling are "normal", and that I do not need to loose control, for I am not, personally, under attack.
Ah, easier said then done though. I have had only one short decade in my life where I have truly felt safe, and before that I lived in a highly emotional and reactive state. I have years of experience in reacting emotionally and have only had a short time in actual recovery, where I have done the steps, found a new serenity and have been able to practice the principles in all my affairs. When things get really heavy, I still tend to react instead of acting responsibly, from an informed position. But I have developed certain tools and processes, as the result of my recovery, and I can use these tools, if I so choose.
The copyright of the article Undefined Fear: A Challenge To Recovery in Multiple Personalities is owned by Kerry Dennis. Permission to republish Undefined Fear: A Challenge To Recovery in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
| Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: | View all related messages |
For a complete listing of article comments, questions, and other discussions related to Kerry Dennis's Multiple Personalities topic, please visit the Discussions page.