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Let's Start Over© Kerry Dennis
use for those who did, were usually a religious fanatic, or an up tight,
codependent, manipulative and controlling individual (much like my abusers
had been). This has nearly always proven true for me, until now. Or,
is my inability to relinquish this stupid, smelly, dirty, pukey habit,
actually my early warning system going off, telling me that these people
may not have my best interests at heart? I doubt that. Still, it is difficult
to stand up to these feelings of fear when I realize that I will no longer
be able to insolate myself from those who might abuse me
by smoking cigarettes. In a very real way, it has been my shield, my weapon
against intolerance, manipulation and control. That's a difficult thing
to let go of in a time when I am feeling so very vulnerable.
Also, for the very same reason, the thought of losing some important component to my recovery, some chemical that the cigarettes provide that has made it easier to think rationally, keeps coming up. Maybe these chemicals can be found in less carcinogenic substances? Something I need to look into.
So, there you have it, my present state of recovery and the battles that
I am fighting right now. Maybe, at some later date I will revise and re-post
the series on "New Beginnings", and maybe this is part of it! It's time
to start over here and begin sharing my experience, strength and hope,
and stop trying to save the world with meandering, enigmatic articles.
Kerry Dennis |
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