In the beginning of my search for recovery and healing I considered myself a victim. I thought I was the victim of my abusers, the victim of circumstances and a victim of the system. I raged at my abusers, whom I thought to be anybody who did or said anything that hurt me. I was a victim of bad parents, a victim of all self centered, self absorbed people who could care less about my pain. I acted out to get their attention, I cried and I begged for help, but no one could see my plight and so I just seethed inside, all the time. It was the most uncomfortable time of my life. I couldn't understand why nothing helped. Hospitals and drugs didn't help. Therapy helped a little but it also generated a lot of acting out, especially if my therapist was gullible or vulnerable. I used people like Kleenex, because I felt that I had been used. I hated everyone who had ever hurt me and I wouldn't consider forgiving them if my life depended on it, or so I thought at the time. Then, after much searching and studying, I began to realize that my life did depend on it.I have been explaining what I found out about Mind Chatter and how it effects our lives, will this is one place it effected me plenty and I am glad that I was able to get past it. All the while I was wallowing in my victimhood, my mind was chattering away that it wasn't my fault, and that I am not responsible for what I have become. And all the while I am doing this, I am drawing abusers into my life. They all looked quite normal to me, but then my mind was sorta bent with my victimhood. I have to tell you that it took me a while to wake up. It took staying drunk all the time, or drugged all the time and watching my life turn to garbage that woke me up. Until that time my mind chatter had so dominated my thinking that I had to shut it off somehow! recreational drugs and prescription drugs and booze were all I could get easily. They became my coping medicine. The problem is I coped myself right into a psyche ward. And even that didn't stop me, I just couldn't imagine a life without my coping tools. It was my coping tools that were keeping me alive!
Well, it became apparent to me that my coper was warped. I began to realize this as the result of
