Games I Have Played While Seeking Wellness
can't choose to be well. If others made me this way, then I am forever in need of them doing or saying something that will release me from this hell. If others are responsible for my ills, then I can't take the responsibility to get well. The truth is, I chose to be the way I am. I know I did. Yes, there were extenuating circumstances, and I didn't know any other way to respond to those circumstances at the time, but still, it was my choice! With this truth I have the power to set myself free! With this truth I can change, independently of what others may do or not do. I have the power to take the responsibility for my own healing. Nevertheless, nothing happens until I take that responsibility.
Since I began to take responsibility for my own life, my own feelings, my own actions, I have begun to get steadily better. Yes, I do have a "disorder", if you will. As the result of my need to game, and as the result of many abusive experiences I had as a child, both sexual and emotional, I actually did develop what is called MPD. Nevertheless, even though this is a disorder that is recognized by the mental health community, it's development is still based upon a facility for game playing. That doesn't mean that this disorder is any less real, it just means that those who develop this disorder have unique abilities that afford them the capacity to dissociate from pain and fear that is so devastating that it must be compartmentalized, through the use of highly organized mental games. My games were a means through which I compensated for the pain and the fear that I lived through as a small child. I played those games to survive.
And, I did survive, but unfortunately, most of those games I played to survive are now destructive and self abusive. I am the only one who has the power to stop playing those games. I am the only one who holds the key to my healing. I still play games. There is nothing wrong with playing games, as long as you need them. Nevertheless, today my games are, for the most part, constructive, harmless and responsible ones. I use them to discover myself, and all the secrets that still lie within me. I use them to assist others. I also use them to tap into the power, that lies deep within me, to heal myself.
Kerry Dennis
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