Games I Have Played While Seeking Wellness
reach in my trick bag and pull out one of my old games, just for effect. Actually, for a while this was sorta fun, and I had a lot of doctors stumped as to what my problem really was. During this search for healing game I would also become quite suicidal, especially when I was not getting the attention I thought I deserved. Also, during this game I discovered that self mutilation got a lot of attention, real fast. Sometimes it was a conscious thing, and sometimes, because I had been gaming for so long, it was an unconscious thing. The unconscious part scared me a little. No, it scared me a lot. I was beginning to see that I just might kill myself one day, and not even realize I was doing it. I think that is when I began to really want to get well. Still, while really wanting to get well, I was caught up in games. Games my family taught me, games that society taught me, that I didn't make up, but were controlling my actions nevertheless and keeping me sick, long after I had truly decided to get well.
One of those games was the "Co-Dependancy" game. In this game, not of my choosing, I really thought that if someone didn't drop everything and come running when I needed them, that they didn't care about me. That if my significant other didn't respond to my "I love you" statements with "I love you too" than they didn't really love me. I thought that I had to be everything for everyone in order to get what I wanted or needed. I thought that I had to please everyone I cared about, all the time, or I wasn't being a good friend, daughter, lover, etc. I thought that others made me the way I was. I thought that I had the power to make others unhappy, or happy, as the case may be. I also thought that I always had to be in control in order to be really well. I have finally learned, and not too soon I might add, that none of that is true. It's all a game that we have been taught to play. A vicious game that will kill us if we don't recognize it and learn to live in other, more personally responsible ways. As long as I can blame my feelings, may actions, my illness on someone or something outside of me, I will never get well. Why? Because if I didn't choose to become the way I am, then I can't
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