Games I Have Played While Seeking Wellness

and variations of it lasted most of my life. In this game I practiced appearing quite normal, for long periods of time, and then suddenly, without warning, I would just fly apart. I would start to cry for no reason and then run around breaking things, screaming. I would begin muttering to myself. I would suddenly drop to the floor and curl into a ball and stay that way for hours. I would walk around the house aimlessly, like a caged animal, refusing to speak, slapping walls, doors, tables. Geeze, I was scary to be around. As I got older, into my teens, I started to read about mental illness, and then would try out different scenarios to see if that was me. I tried out schizophrenia for a while, but it was too constricting. Not only that, but the drugs the doctors pored into me were downright debilitating. I needed to be in control, and under the influence of all that medication, I was definitely not in control. It was too hard to game while under the influence of drugs, and gaming was my passion, my life. I tried out depression for a while but the same thing happened, and not only did the doctors want to drug me, they wanted to shock my brain! I think that probably scared me more than being an automaton. I decided that even though I was truly unhappy with life, I was not depressed. That led me to bi-polar disorder. I did feel very unhappy sometimes and I also felt very happy sometimes and so this game seemed to fit me quite well. Still, all the doctors wanted to do was drug me. I didn't want drugs, I wanted to find out why I was so crazy. I really did. I wanted to get to the bottom of my problems. I wanted to know WHY I needed so much attention, so much concern. I really wanted to understand.

        So, in my determination to discover what was really wrong with me, I created a new game.

        My next game was the "The Search For Healing" game. This, I felt was an admirable game that no one could fault me for. The problem was that the search became the thing and that healing was always pushed off, down the road, as a someday thing. In my search for healing game I was able to apply all the other games I had ever played. I kept them in my virtual trick bag, and whenever a doctor or a psychologist was not paying enough attention to me, I would

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