Do you really want to get well, or is the struggle toward wellness more exciting and rewarding than overcoming your illness? For me, the struggle was more rewarding than getting well, for a long, long time. Why? Because in the struggle, I was getting something I really thought I needed. In my struggle I was getting the attention and the caring concern of others. I was getting other peoples energy. I was experiencing a sense of exhilaration, and aliveness, even when I was threatening suicide, that I didn't think that I could get any other way. Partly because I knew no other way, and partly because I didn't want to become invisible.
I had felt invisible most of my life. My family either couldn't see the real me, or they were too preoccupied with other things to let me know that they saw me, and I needed to be seen. I needed to feel special. I needed to feel the focus of others. I thought that if I were to become "normal" that I would just disappear. Then, I would be faced with living the hum-drum life that I saw my family and others living, where you live from hand to mouth, and nothing very extraordinary ever happens, and you have to drudge through each day like an automaton. My greatest fear was becoming just one of the masses. So I played games.My best game was "The Wounded Animal" game. This is the game where you need others to see that there is something wrong with you, that you have been hurt, badly, and require lots of nurturing, lots of attention. The truth is, there is something wrong, but it isn't something that anyone can readily see, so you have to make them see it. So I practiced looking like a frightened deer that has been caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. I practiced looking like I was bearing up under unbelievable pain. I practiced fainting, at inopportune moments, that would be sure to gain the optimum attention of others. I was really quite good at it, but it got old and I spent a lot of time being friendless, and was never asked out by anyone who knew me. In fact I gained such a bad reputation, that almost everyone in my school, my church and my neighborhood knew of me. So, I created a variation on that game.
My next game was "The Crazy Game". Okay, so the reason I do all this stuff is because I am crazy. I admit it. I need help! Someone, please help me! This game
