After discussing this subject with my various alters, as well as a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself, I have come to the conclusion that in most cases, before I have acted out I have spent time, sometimes more than a day, planning my acting out. I have visualized what kind of behavior would draw the most coveted results, played scenarios over and over in my mind, rehearsed what I would say and do until I was satisfied that I would be able to attain the desired results. This is something that I have done since I was a small child. For much of my life many of my fantasies and most of my mind chatter was dedicated to developing processes through which to get what I wanted and felt that I needed.
Of course, I didn't just develop this on my own. I was taught, by the actions, the statements and the manipulations of others exactly how to do it. I also am fairly certain that I am not unique in this activity. I can see it in my friends, neighbors and their children, although they seem to be totally unaware of it.This has come up, because I have recently been aware of my own AOI. I have been struggling through issues from my past and as those issues come up I have become aware of the fact that I am triggered by feelings of wanting certain needs met. Most of these needs are actually based in these past issues, but nonetheless I have witnessed myself developing scenarios in my mind, in my fantasies, through which to manipulate others into giving me what I feel that I need. I say it in this way, for I know, in my present state of recovery, that these needs are based upon cravings, habits that I have long since learned to meet in healthier, less dramatic ways.
Nevertheless, if I hadn't learned this, I would probably be experiencing what is called a "break" right now. With the emotional stress of the holidays, The stress of revisiting my past as I write my autobiography, financial stresses and relationship stresses, a lot of my past emotional and mental habits and cravings have surfaced. I have been able to look at these thought processes and emotional reactions with different eyes, the eyes of committed recovery. In all honesty I must report that I can see myself fantasizing about how to get attention, how to get validation and how to get nurturing. I can see my inner mind planning a withdrawal, redeveloping the emotional states that will lead to that,
