For example, a man might say to himself, "Well, if I say I love you to her, she will say I love you back." When it doesn't work he adds, "if I smile when I say I love you, then she will say I love you back." When that doesn't work, another ingredient is added, while all along the individual is still clinging the belief that saying I love you to someone requires an I love you in response. I mean, isn't that the way it's supposed to be? No, that is not the way it is supposed to be. That is the way we would like it to be, and we mistakenly believe, as the result of magical thinking, that we should be able to get what we want if we just do, have or say the right things.
Of course, for my example I used an over simplification, but codependency, and romantic addiction are probably the most wide spread and devastating of all the relationship addiction patterns in our society today. The withdrawals from not achieving the desired results to this magical thinking range all the way from simple divorce, through domestic violence, to child abuse, rape and finally murder. You see, addiction is NOT about substance, it's about feelings and sensations.
Because of our distorted perceptions, we have come to believe that uncomfortable, and painful feelings are a threat to our survival, and we will do anything to avoid them. Addiction is about feeling good, feeling powerful, feeling loved, feeling in control. Anything that provides those feelings is then sought after, protected, and even guarded with our very lives. To be told that seeking to preserve and protect these patterns of behavior is an addiction, is not only an affront to all we
