thought
I controlled, I would be out of control! I had long talks with myself about
how if this power, that I had chosen as my Higher Power, could keep the
moon and the stars in place, it could certainly govern the workings of
my life. It all boiled down to trust and willingness. Obviously, what I
had been doing wasn't working. Holding on to the hate and anger, holding
on to the pain and illness wasn't working anymore, so I had to do something.
Finally, I decided that I would turn all this stuff over to the care of
my Higher Power, just for one day. If all went well, I would do it for
another day, and so on. In truth, all we have is today, and so living one
day at a time was much easier then trying to imagine myself letting go
forever. So, I made a choice. I decided to give all my hate and anger,
all my pain and sickness to this Higher Power of my choice.
Almost over night I felt my life
change. I began to feel better physically first. Then, slowly, my emotional
outlook began to change and I felt free, like I had been released from
jail. In truth, my anger and hate had held me prisoner for so long I had
forgotten what it felt like to just enjoy the sun on my face or the songs
of the birds in the trees. I was always too preoccupied with my pain and
my feelings to allow myself these simple pleasures. Ah, but I wasn't
out of the woods yet. I still had nine more steps to go. Still, I was feeling
success, so I chose to go on.
The fourth step requires that we
take a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves. What does
that mean? It means that where we have used others to get what we felt
that we needed, we need to write that down. When we have lied, cheated,
or harmed another, whether we meant to or not, we need to write that down.
It means that if we spent most of our lives harboring hate and anger for
another, in spite of what they did to us, we need to write that down. This
is not an easy step, for it means that you must get honest with yourself,
you must look at the abuser in you. Unless we can do this step, thoroughly
and with complete honesty, our chances of recovery are very slim.
The fifth step is almost as difficult
as the fourth, for it requires that we open ourselves to trusting another
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