More about MPD (Continued)

After I discovered that I was a multiple, I continued to seek out those who would hurt me out of love for me. Now my reasoning was that because all of my pain had come out of the loveless, self-seeking abuse of others, I needed to experience the pain that came from love. Oh how confused I was. It didn't dawn on me until much later that because of my early abuses, pain and love had become all mixed up inside me. I can see that is is a problem I share with many others, and they are not all multiples.

When love and pain get all mixed up, we tend to seek out abuse, even when we don't want to. We also tend to gravitate toward those who are addicted to other peoples pain, and will even encourage such activities. There are others, even licensed therapists, who actually get off listening to stories of sexual abuse, and will encourage the telling and retelling of such events, for their own gatification. This in itself is a form of abuse. Often, such therapists will even elicit the invention of new alters, just to keep the stories coming.

But, that is not the only thing that elicits the invention of new alters. We, as multiples, are quite good at doing that for our own reasons. One reason is that it feeds our pain addiction, which is born out of our intense need for love and validation. On several occasions I found myself generating new alters. Generally it was because I found a new therapist who was willing to wallow in my pain with me and I didn't want it to end.

Also, we tend to generate alters when we need grounding, or when we dissociate so much that we do not feel real anymore. These new alters afford an opportunity to generate more pain in our lives, just so that we can feel real again, just so we can get another round of validation.

When we dissociate, we tend to loose all feeling, and the most basic way that we, as human beings, get in touch with feelings is through either intense pain, or sexual activity. Therefore it is understandable that we would generate more alters and even more abuse in order to get in touch with feelings. Unfortunately, this is a vicious circle, that can lead to permanent dissociation and/or further sexual abuse.

My way out of this vicious cycle was to find a therapist who was willing to listen to my "Guide Self" and implement the "process" laid out by him. It was through this process and a 12-step program that I was able to obtain grounding. It was through this process and the willingness to turn my life and my will over to the care of the Higher Power of my understanding that enabled me to begin to

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