Suicidal Ideation And Self Mutilation

   Therefore, using suicidal threats, and entertaining suicidal ideations can become addictive and an extremely difficult habit to break. The main problem with this is that this addiction, like most others, can be lethal. To be sure, while one is under the influence of endorphin intoxication, they often feel all powerful, invincible, and thus loose site of the reality of things. In this state one could, quite conceivably, kill themselves without really meaning to do so. Of course, when I was in that position, I worked very hard to convince myself that my death would be of little consequence. I had no idea that in doing such a thing, I would have become an abuser too, the very type of individual I hated so much.

   Self mutilation is self abuse. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. When one practices self mutilation, they are continuing the cycle of abuse, and they have become the abuser. Now, one of the reasons that I self-mutilated was first, to get the attention of someone, usually my therapist. Second, it was to "externalize my pain", so that others could see that I was truly hurting. For a long time, I carried my scars as badges of courage" and as symbols of my pain. I also named some of my scars for individuals who I felt had harmed me or for those who I felt had let me down. Today, I think of them as reminders of my past insanity, and of how far I have come.

   Self mutilation is also a form of control, and gives a sense of power to the one who indulges in it. It is also addictive, as it also generates the flow of adrenalin as well as the production of endorphins. Often abused individuals will self mutilate because the flow of endorphins mimics that sensation one feels when they are loved. This, in turn causes one to confuse abuse with love, self abuse with self love.

   Many people wonder why an abused individual will constantly be drawn into relationships that are just as abusive as the one from which they left or were rescued from. The main reason is that it has become very difficult for the abused individual to distinguish between abuse and love until it is too late, until major, life threatening abuses occur. Abuse has been a way of life, it has been etched upon the core of their being, and so, often they gravitate to it, unconsciously, for it is familiar.