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Oh, the Guilt. Oh, the Glory.

© Jody Hart Lehrer

I've done it. I've reached that certain fast-track point in my career. One that men take for granted, that they never really "strive" to achieve, but are more or less handed by the powers that be. "Take it, you've earned it! You've got the "Y" chromosome!"

This splendid "high point" comes with a substantial cost. One that is imposed, by society, on women, but is not even on the radar screen for men. The old double-edged sword: if you advance in this wonderful new career direction, you will "sacrifice" the family, especially the children.

Afterall, I am the mother. The pre-ordained provider of all things nurturing and connected to the home-front. I am, simultaneously, the breadwinner. Not only because I am a single parent, but because even if I were with a partner, my income would likely surpass his.

I cannot turn back from the swift progression of my career. To do so would send me into a professional tailspin from which I would NEVER recover. I take strong comfort in knowing that I will, in ways not able to be achieved by my father or my daughter's father, be able to provide for my child.

I hesitate, teetering on the brink of potentially debilitating guilt, about my success. It will mean less time with my child, my wonderful daughter.

I have explained this to her. That mommy's new job means that she will not be around as much. That there will be travel, "business trips." I pull out the maps and pull out all the stops.

"This is where mommy will be for a few days in (pick a month) and this is where I will go in (pick another)." My daughter eyed me cautiously. "Can I sleep in your bed?" I said "certainly."

"Are you coming back here afterwards?" she asks. "Of course, I live here with you!" I tell her.

I have decided to take her with me on SOME of the trips. In fact, as amazing as it is, my supervisor has invited me to do this, as numerous other staff-members take their families on occassional business trips.

This, of course, is marvelous. My daughter can acquire an education she will not get in school. Already we have perused the map of the United States. She knows most of the states and she is not even six.

She can point to Oregon (and tell me where Portland is). She can point to where her grandmother lives and to where her father lives. She knows where we will travel together.

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