All Ambivalence Aside?!

Eighteen months ago, I discovered that I was pregnant with my third child. Discovered is actually a misleading word, because it is not as though I wasn't expecting my urine to turn the pregnancy test stick a deep shade of purple — this pregnancy had been planned. For one month only, my husband and I decided to forego birth control and create a third baby to complement our first two. However, this decision was not a particularly permanent one; a few days after I had ovulated I changed my mind. What had I been thinking, anyway? I didn't need another baby, another cycle of sleepless nights, another struggle with post-pregnancy pounds and raging hormones. We resumed the birth control routine, but rather pointlessly, it turns out. This baby was already busy growing arms and legs, and was soon be pummeling me from the inside out. Our unborn child was ready to burst forth and join our family, no matter how ambivalent its mother may be!

During my pregnancy, ambivalence was certainly the primary force in my life. In some rather over-analytical circles, it may be considered the underlying cause for my losing battle with morning sickness. Initially, my lack of enthusiasm for my pregnant state made me feel guilty — after all, this wasn't an accidental pregnancy that took me by surprise, this was a conscious choice to add to my brood. After speaking with my midwife, though, I feel somewhat reassured; apparently this uncertainty is more common than I had thought. I was told of a woman who had undergone fertility treatments for six years before welcoming her ultimate pregnancy with decidedly mixed feelings!

I now wonder whether these equivocal emotions ever really go away. I recently participated in a panel of mothers who were discussing their expectations of motherhood. These mothers all seemed to be achieving the cultural ideal of the "good mother" — they followed the politically correct parenting habits of exclusive breastfeeding, babywearing, and seemingly uninterrupted devotion. I expected these women to confess their frustrations with toddler tantrums and surly four-year-olds. I also expected them to immediately qualify these admissions by telling us that no matter how many petty annoyances motherhood may entail, they had no regrets and would gladly go through it all again. So, imagine my surprise when one woman blurted out, "Sometimes I wonder why I ever even had kids!!" My shock turned into relief when this uncensored sentiment was greeted with a loud chorus of laughter and agreement from the other women.

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